Me and Texting

I don't text. At all. Ever.

Well, that's no longer a true statement. I took The Kid to my sister Leah's high-school production of "The Wedding Singer," which he loved deeply (but then again, he tends to love anything with singing, dancing, and men being dropped into garbage cans in it). But then I sent The Kid home with his loving Mimi, Pawpaw, and Gigi whilst I went out on the town (St. Louis) with both my sisters and some of their friends. My sister Hannah was driving, I had no child with me, and it was Saturday night. I had two, count them, 2, glasses of wine.

Then, on the drive home (at 12:30 at night--WAY past my bedtime), in the dark and rain, Hannah's iPhone buzzed. Her loving husband Steve was texting her. She handed me the phone and told me to text him back.

"Um . . ." I said, knowing disaster was in the air.

"It's easy!" she insisted. "Just tell him it's you, I'm driving, and I love him."

Easy, I say? You judge for yourself by attempting to read this actual, real, unedited transcript of my first time texting.

Steve: I'm heading to bed. Don't forget to spring forward. Love You. Good Night.
Me: Sarah hereo
      Driving home
      Manna says she loves youo
Steve: Sarah is your hero? And you're driving home?
Me: Ive never texted before
      Sorry
Steve: Who is Manna? Do I know her.
Me: Hannahpp
      Arggh
Steve: Hannah has to pee?
Me: Also. Had two glassed ofbeinnw
      Two gladses of wine
Steve: What the hell is ofbeinnw?
Me: I dint know
Steve: Ohhhh. Gladses of wine. Right right.
Me: Hannah is sorry she handedme the phone
Steve: I'm glad that Manna is driving then.
Me: So is she
Steve: Well this has been a hoot. But I'm tired. Gonna hit the hay. Tell Manna goodnight for me.
Me: Anyway she says night too
Steve: and remind her to spring forward!
Me: K
Steve: tell her "LYB" please. Thank You.
Me: Lyn backpack
      Lyn
      Lyn bbackp
Steve: I laffed at the Lyn backpack.
Me: Sorry
Steve: Dear Sarah, You can never get an iPhone.
          NEVER
Me: Jo


Yup. It made no sense to anyone, least of all me. I failed "Typing on a virtual mini-keyboard" in the first ten seconds. I kept hitting 'send' because the send button was in the same general location as the backspace button on my laptop. The phone kept suggesting 'better' spellings, but in trying to select those, I instead just deleted the option. Then Steve began to make fun of me, and Hannah began giggling as I read her the transcript, then I began giggling, which lead to even worse typing. "Lyn backpack" was supposed to be "LYB back," but I couldn't even get that right after three tries. And then Steve banned me from all texting, and rightfully so. I couldn't even manage to type one stinking letter in agreement. "K" came out "Jo." And then I gave up.


You can text me if you want. But don't expect an answer.