Dear Sirs and Madams:
Why?
(Photo: http://www.edenbridals.com)
What did I ever do to you?
(Photo: http://www.edenbridals.com)
How can you expect me to take you seriously when your products do not even look good on the stick-thin models you've chosen to showcase them?
(Photo: http://barijay.com)
Are you aware that heavy, shiny, tight fabrics only magnify the imperfections of the wearer?
(Photo: http://www.jordanfashions.com)
Are you aware that not everyone wants to--or should--be in a sleeveless, even strapless--gowns? And that those who want sleeves are not always mothers-of-the-brides?
(Photo: http://www.jordanfashions.com)
Are you aware that real women have to pay real money for these dresses?
(Photo: http://www.jordanfashions.com)
Where--on God's green earth--would I EVER wear this again?
(Photo: http://barijay.com)
I implore you. Please, please make something I can wear. I only have eight shopping months left.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
The Authorial Mom
(Note: While these dresses are not, shall we say, to my taste, I would like to point out that you may love them. And I'm sure that, on you, they will all be stunning. Really.)
(Note, pt. 2: Also, this is not an all-encompassing list. These are just dresses from sites that would let me copy their pictures. There are many, many bad dresses on certain sites (I'm looking at you, Dessy Group!) that would not allow irritated bloggers to copy and paste their images. You'll just have to gawk at the awfulness on your own.)
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Hodge-Podge
Doing a little cleaning, a (very) little organizing around the ol' computer, and discovered a crazy collection of photos of stuff the Authorial Family did this summer. I got nothing else but insane workloads going on right now, so bring on the photos!
We explored sidewalk art (which, clearly, is also wearable art):
We got new windows in the kitchen--after the old ones literally fell off the house. Whoops!
And discovered, in the process, that the kitchen used to have really* ugly wallpaper:
We hit a County Fair:
Does anyone else find the name of this kiddie ride hilarious? Just me? Nevermind. Carry on.
We explored tanks:
had a front-row seat for a demolition derby:
and ate funnel cakes:
Oh, yeah. That's the good stuff.
We played hard-core family mini-golf:
'Hard-core' meaning, of course, nearly beaten by a five-year-old boy who kept getting distracted by traffic:
I edged him out by six points. HA!
We toured Lincoln's home, and saw dioramas with squash plants that were about a quarter the size of my pinkie finger nail:
And I debated making incredibly small, accurate miniatures when I grow up. Then I decided to stick with cowboys. (Seriously, the trees are smaller than my hand.)
We saw this sign as part of a display:
And spent the next half hour cracking E-Harmony jokes.
Yes.
I wore the hat in Lincoln's home. So there.
But:
Not in his Presidential Museum.
Gater is . . .
weird.
I mean, really.
How is he even doing that?
We battled ants:
and fleas, mosquitoes, and fruit flies.
And then, when summer ended?
The Kid--my baby--grew up and went to kindergarten.
The end.
*really
We explored sidewalk art (which, clearly, is also wearable art):
We got new windows in the kitchen--after the old ones literally fell off the house. Whoops!
And discovered, in the process, that the kitchen used to have really* ugly wallpaper:
We hit a County Fair:
Does anyone else find the name of this kiddie ride hilarious? Just me? Nevermind. Carry on.
We explored tanks:
had a front-row seat for a demolition derby:
and ate funnel cakes:
Oh, yeah. That's the good stuff.
We played hard-core family mini-golf:
'Hard-core' meaning, of course, nearly beaten by a five-year-old boy who kept getting distracted by traffic:
I edged him out by six points. HA!
We toured Lincoln's home, and saw dioramas with squash plants that were about a quarter the size of my pinkie finger nail:
And I debated making incredibly small, accurate miniatures when I grow up. Then I decided to stick with cowboys. (Seriously, the trees are smaller than my hand.)
We saw this sign as part of a display:
And spent the next half hour cracking E-Harmony jokes.
Yes.
I wore the hat in Lincoln's home. So there.
But:
Not in his Presidential Museum.
Gater is . . .
weird.
I mean, really.
How is he even doing that?
We battled ants:
and fleas, mosquitoes, and fruit flies.
And then, when summer ended?
The Kid--my baby--grew up and went to kindergarten.
The end.
*really
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Here She Is . . .
(singing in a baritone voice with orchestral background music)
. . . Ms. Sarah M. Anderson
(wild applause and some happy sobbing)
Yes, the Judges** have spoken, and Thoughtful Yet Serious Sarah is the Winner!
Let's have a warm round of applause for our runner-up: Bug Bite Sarah!
Should Thoughtful Yet Serious Sarah be unable to complete her reign as Ms. Sarah M. Anderson (or if an editor casts a trumping vote), Bug Bite Sarah will assume the crown.
The Consolation Prize (which is nothing but another mention in the blog) goes to Tree Girl Sarah.
An Authorial Mom favorite, Tree Girl is going to spend her new-found free time polishing her hand waving and Vaseline-slicked smile, just in case a horrible 'accident' should befall one or more of our winners.
Well, that wraps up the 2010 Ms. Sarah M. Anderson Beauty Contest. I'd like to thank all of our Judges** for casting their votes. It was a difficult choice to make, but the people have spoken.
So, on behalf of Ms. Sarah M. Anderson, I'm Burt Hasselhoff, signing off!
(singing in a baritone voice with orchestral background music)
There She Is, Ms. Sarah M. Anderson . . . .
(Fade to commercial)
**That would be you, Loyal Reader(s)
. . . Ms. Sarah M. Anderson
(wild applause and some happy sobbing)
Yes, the Judges** have spoken, and Thoughtful Yet Serious Sarah is the Winner!
Let's have a warm round of applause for our runner-up: Bug Bite Sarah!
Should Thoughtful Yet Serious Sarah be unable to complete her reign as Ms. Sarah M. Anderson (or if an editor casts a trumping vote), Bug Bite Sarah will assume the crown.
The Consolation Prize (which is nothing but another mention in the blog) goes to Tree Girl Sarah.
An Authorial Mom favorite, Tree Girl is going to spend her new-found free time polishing her hand waving and Vaseline-slicked smile, just in case a horrible 'accident' should befall one or more of our winners.
Well, that wraps up the 2010 Ms. Sarah M. Anderson Beauty Contest. I'd like to thank all of our Judges** for casting their votes. It was a difficult choice to make, but the people have spoken.
So, on behalf of Ms. Sarah M. Anderson, I'm Burt Hasselhoff, signing off!
(singing in a baritone voice with orchestral background music)
There She Is, Ms. Sarah M. Anderson . . . .
(Fade to commercial)
**That would be you, Loyal Reader(s)
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
A Panel Presentation Proposal
Yeah, I'm still struggling with the ending of my current Work In Progress, The Wannabe Cowboy. And true, my grandmother's book, Eleanore Grey, is still just sitting on that hard drive, waiting to be polished and self-published so my father and aunts and uncles can read it. Oh, I got two more books to review in the mail the other day, with revisions on the last review I wrote coming back in the next few days. Let's not forget about the one-on-one tutoring, the freelance editing job, the day job, or the Mom job.
I haven't been working on any of that this week (excepting the day job and the Mom job, of course.) No, this week, I've been working on something that won't come to fruititon for another ten months--my RWA Nationals Panel Presentation Proposal.
I love me some good, old fashioned alliteration, but even "Panel Presentation Proposal" is a mouthful. I think I bit my tongue the other day.
This proposal is a classic example of "hurry up and wait." Proposals are due by October 15th; the National conference isn't until June 28th of next year (because if it was June 28th of this year, I'd be somewhere in the neighborhood of 'screwed'). Along with the fabulous Kaki Warner, I'm putting together a panel discussion on western romances. Everyone has said that having handouts will better the odds a proposal gets picked, so Kaki's trying to nail down a few Big Name Authors and Editors to join us while I pull some fantastic handouts out of mid-air and make them all pretty.
There's a couple of good reasons why a as-of-yet-unpublished author such as myself would want to pull off a presentation. First off, it's good blog fodder. Oh, the tension--with Big Name Authors say yes? Will the handouts be in a readable font? Will the proposal get accepted???
Second, it gives me another outlet for my nervous energy--there's been too much of that around recently.
Third, it gets my name out there, and keeps Kaki's name out there (although her books are so wonderful, she doesn't need as much help).
Fourth, it helps build a community of like-minded western romance authors.
And lastly, (this is the big one), those who present at the conference get "financial consideration"--i.e. a reduced conference fee. The 2011 RWA conference is being held in New York City (which, by law in this household, must be said in a Pace Salsa ad from 15 years ago kind of voice--you know the one I mean). NY ain't cheap, and it's even less cheap when the loving Hubby and adorable Kid are going to tag along so we can make a family vacation out of it. (Toss in tickets to a ball game, a Broadway show, and possibly dinner someplace insane, like the Waldorf Astoria, and NY gets less cheap all the time.)
So I'm hurrying up on the Panel Presentation Proposal, so that Kaki can have a look at all my fabulous (?) handouts before the deadline. And then, we wait.
Luckily, I've got things to do to keep me busy.
I haven't been working on any of that this week (excepting the day job and the Mom job, of course.) No, this week, I've been working on something that won't come to fruititon for another ten months--my RWA Nationals Panel Presentation Proposal.
I love me some good, old fashioned alliteration, but even "Panel Presentation Proposal" is a mouthful. I think I bit my tongue the other day.
This proposal is a classic example of "hurry up and wait." Proposals are due by October 15th; the National conference isn't until June 28th of next year (because if it was June 28th of this year, I'd be somewhere in the neighborhood of 'screwed'). Along with the fabulous Kaki Warner, I'm putting together a panel discussion on western romances. Everyone has said that having handouts will better the odds a proposal gets picked, so Kaki's trying to nail down a few Big Name Authors and Editors to join us while I pull some fantastic handouts out of mid-air and make them all pretty.
There's a couple of good reasons why a as-of-yet-unpublished author such as myself would want to pull off a presentation. First off, it's good blog fodder. Oh, the tension--with Big Name Authors say yes? Will the handouts be in a readable font? Will the proposal get accepted???
Second, it gives me another outlet for my nervous energy--there's been too much of that around recently.
Third, it gets my name out there, and keeps Kaki's name out there (although her books are so wonderful, she doesn't need as much help).
Fourth, it helps build a community of like-minded western romance authors.
And lastly, (this is the big one), those who present at the conference get "financial consideration"--i.e. a reduced conference fee. The 2011 RWA conference is being held in New York City (which, by law in this household, must be said in a Pace Salsa ad from 15 years ago kind of voice--you know the one I mean). NY ain't cheap, and it's even less cheap when the loving Hubby and adorable Kid are going to tag along so we can make a family vacation out of it. (Toss in tickets to a ball game, a Broadway show, and possibly dinner someplace insane, like the Waldorf Astoria, and NY gets less cheap all the time.)
So I'm hurrying up on the Panel Presentation Proposal, so that Kaki can have a look at all my fabulous (?) handouts before the deadline. And then, we wait.
Luckily, I've got things to do to keep me busy.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Round Two
WARNING: The following blog post contains WAY more photos of me, Ms. Sarah M. Anderson, than your recommended daily allowance. View at your own risk.
Friends, welcome back to the annual* Ms. Sarah M. Anderson Beauty Contest! We rejoin our contest after some intense voting and back-room bargaining. I'm your host, Burt Hasselhoff. Let's find out which Sarahs made the cut, and which ones went home early. Again, let's give all the Sarahs a round of applause!
(cue applause)
Give a warm welcome back to Thoughtful, yet Serious Sarah:
Many judges liked the thoughtful, but serious nature of this Sarah. Our next semi-finalist is Good-Time Girl Sarah:
A few judges wanted to see more from Good Time Girl Sarah, in the form of cropping and a warmer tone, and Good Time Girl Sarah was only too happy to meet the challenge!
Now welcome Serious Cowgirl Sarah back to the contest:
She's still very serious.
Wait! We have a late entry, Serious Cowgirl Sarah's cousin, Semi-Serious Cowgirl Sarah!
Judges**, I'd just like to remind you that we have many Serious Sarahs with us today. Please be sure to specifiy which Serious Sarah you're voting for.
Bug Bite Sarah took an early lead in the voting and stayed near the top.
Yes, those biting ants didn't get her down! Finally, we have the Authorial Mom favorite, Tree Girl Sarah!
She got enough sympathy votes to squeak in under the wire.
That concludes Round Two of the Ms. Sarah M. Anderson Beauty Contest! Ladies and Gentlemen, another round of applause for all six of our lovely Sarah M. Andersons! Judges**, please keep the rules in mind:
1. Keep it positive. Negative comments will be deleted.
2. All Sarahs can be made color, black and white, sepia, or washed tones. Do not let any Sarah's current coloring affect your opinions.
3. Remember, this is for an Official Author Picture, which you, loyal reader(s), will have to look up in the corner of this blog, on Facebook, on the Sarah M. Anderson website, and, good Lord willing, on book covers (hopefully sometime soon). Keep these mediums in mind when choosing.
4. Judges may choose only one Sarah for the Final Vote.
So tune in next week to see which Sarah will be crowned Ms. Sarah M. Anderson! I'm Burt Hasselhoff, signing off for the Ms. Sarah M. Anderson Beauty Contest. Until next week, judges! *waves to audience*
(cue applause)
*not really
**That's you, Loyal Reader(s)
Thursday, September 2, 2010
The Ms. Sarah M. Anderson Beauty Contest
WARNING: The following blog post contains WAY more photos of me, Ms. Sarah M. Anderson, than your recommended daily allowance. View at your risk.
Yes, friends, it's time for that annual* tradition, the Ms. Sarah M. Anderson Beauty Contest! Welcome to the first round of judging. I'm your host, Burt Hasselhoff. We have a lot of lovely Sarah M. Andersons with us today. The judges** have their work cut out for them! Let's give all the Sarahs a round of applause!
**(that would be you, loyal reader(s))
(cue applause)
Well, let's get started! First up, we have Thoughtful, yet Serious Sarah:
She's thoughtful, but serious! Next up, we have Great Cleavage Sarah:
I think I speak for a lot of our viewers when I saw, Wow, what great cleavage! Next, we have Gentle Breeze Sarah.
Isn't it amazing what a little wind can do for a gal? Now please give a warm welcome to Seriously Demure Sarah!
Yes, much more demure than thoughtful! For a change of pace, how about Good-Time Girl Sarah?
Yes, Good Time Girl Sarah looks like she know how to have some fun! Now let's welcome Sunny Day Sarah.
She's going to miss that sun this winter, folks! Now give a big hand to Serious Cowgirl Sarah.
She's serious about being a cowgirl, don't you think? So is Tree Girl Sarah.
Tree Girl Sarah is an early crowd favorite, but so is Sitting Pretty Sarah!
What a sweetheart. Now take a gander at Bug Bite Sarah.
Yes, you'd never know it to look at this Sarah, but she was being attacked by ants not happy about sharing the tree with her. Now welcome Sweet Sarah to the stage.
She's an early contender for Ms. Congeniality.
Ladies and Gentlemen, another round of applause for all of our lovely Sarah M. Andersons! Judges**, please keep the rules in mind:
1. Keep it positive. Negative comments will be deleted.
2. All Sarahs can be made color, black and white, sepia, or washed tones. Do not let any Sarah's current coloring affect your opinions.
3. Remember, this is for an Official Author Picture, which you, loyal reader(s), will have to look up in the corner of this blog, on Facebook, on the Sarah M. Anderson website, and, good Lord willing, on book covers (hopefully sometime soon). Keep these mediums in mind when choosing.
4. Judges may choose up to their top three contenders to return for Round Two next week.
So tune in next week to see which Sarah made the cut, and which Sarah was just cut! I'm Burt Hasselhoff, signing off for the Ms. Sarah M. Anderson Beauty Contest. Until next week, judges! *waves to audience*
(cue applause)
*not really
Yes, friends, it's time for that annual* tradition, the Ms. Sarah M. Anderson Beauty Contest! Welcome to the first round of judging. I'm your host, Burt Hasselhoff. We have a lot of lovely Sarah M. Andersons with us today. The judges** have their work cut out for them! Let's give all the Sarahs a round of applause!
**(that would be you, loyal reader(s))
(cue applause)
Well, let's get started! First up, we have Thoughtful, yet Serious Sarah:
She's thoughtful, but serious! Next up, we have Great Cleavage Sarah:
I think I speak for a lot of our viewers when I saw, Wow, what great cleavage! Next, we have Gentle Breeze Sarah.
Isn't it amazing what a little wind can do for a gal? Now please give a warm welcome to Seriously Demure Sarah!
Yes, much more demure than thoughtful! For a change of pace, how about Good-Time Girl Sarah?
Yes, Good Time Girl Sarah looks like she know how to have some fun! Now let's welcome Sunny Day Sarah.
She's going to miss that sun this winter, folks! Now give a big hand to Serious Cowgirl Sarah.
She's serious about being a cowgirl, don't you think? So is Tree Girl Sarah.
Tree Girl Sarah is an early crowd favorite, but so is Sitting Pretty Sarah!
What a sweetheart. Now take a gander at Bug Bite Sarah.
Yes, you'd never know it to look at this Sarah, but she was being attacked by ants not happy about sharing the tree with her. Now welcome Sweet Sarah to the stage.
She's an early contender for Ms. Congeniality.
Ladies and Gentlemen, another round of applause for all of our lovely Sarah M. Andersons! Judges**, please keep the rules in mind:
1. Keep it positive. Negative comments will be deleted.
2. All Sarahs can be made color, black and white, sepia, or washed tones. Do not let any Sarah's current coloring affect your opinions.
3. Remember, this is for an Official Author Picture, which you, loyal reader(s), will have to look up in the corner of this blog, on Facebook, on the Sarah M. Anderson website, and, good Lord willing, on book covers (hopefully sometime soon). Keep these mediums in mind when choosing.
4. Judges may choose up to their top three contenders to return for Round Two next week.
So tune in next week to see which Sarah made the cut, and which Sarah was just cut! I'm Burt Hasselhoff, signing off for the Ms. Sarah M. Anderson Beauty Contest. Until next week, judges! *waves to audience*
(cue applause)
*not really
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