Snow Day Clues for the Clueless

Now, I know that some of you out there are not parents. You may have decided that Mom-and-Dad was not for you, you may be looking for the 'special' someone with the right combination of genes and income, or you may be six months pregnant (Hi Leah!). Whatever the reason, you're an adult who's a long time removed from snow days.

So, you may be wondering, 'Gosh, there's four inches of snow outside. How can I tell if it's a snow day, versus just a day with a lot of snow?' Have no fear. In my capacity as Authorial Mom, I've come across a few key things that will tip you off to the mythical snow day in action.

1. People who do not normally watch the morning news are glued to the television at 5:42 a.m.
2. Youthful, exuberant shouting fills the air at 6:02, usually immediately preceded or followed by a phone call.
3. Several hours of silence as children normally enthralled by their daily lessons either go back to bed or watch an amount of cartoons only seen on summer Saturdays. (Tip: The age of the youngster in question will dictate this. Older youths will go back to bed. Younger ones will demand one more Phineas and Ferb.)
4. Around approximately 10 a.m., the doors to homes will fly open and creatures vaguely recognizable as children--only lumpier and with more colorful heads--will emerge like a Picasso butterfly from its snow cocoon. This beautiful scene will be marred by whooping, hollering, and, in the case of the youngest revelers getting a snowball in the kisser, sobs of "Cold! COLD!"
5. Children will throw snow--sometimes in ball form, sometimes just by random handfuls--at anyone and anything (including inanimate objects) that happens to be in line of sight. Occasionally, if the precipitation has occurred at just the right humidity levels, they will construct things known as 'snowmen,' taking far more pride and care with this 'man' made of snow than they do any of their studies. They will demand perfectly good licorice sticks and chocolate-covered almonds for use in constructing facial features for this 'man.' They may even name him 'Snowy.'
6. Exhausted and finally aware of the bone chilling cold that has you shivering in your Snuggie, they will trudge back indoors to demand marshmallows lightly steeped in cocoa that is not hot, but is not cold.

Yes, this are the classic signs of a snow day. But wait! Say you live in sunnier climes, such as Texas or Florida, where snow dare not grace the ground. How can you tell if it's a snow day up where your siblings have chosen to whelp their offspring? Look for these signs:

1. Telephone your sibling and listen for key clues, such as, "This is the last time I'm telling you, Timmy--get out of the dog's crate and stop eating his food!" or "No--DON'T drink the sea-monkey water!" or even, "Wait--where are you going with those eggs? Put them back this instant!" all while you are attempting to ask your sibling if they have a snow day.
2. Instant Message, Tweet, or Facebook said siblings and watch for vital clues that may include text such as, "WHY DON'T WE HAVE SCHOOL TODAY! THE ROADS ARE CLEAR!" or "THESE KIDS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!" or the dead-giveaway, "WHAT? 6 more inches tonight?? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
3. Call your mother or grandmother and ask if your siblings are at home today. Even if they don't know, these senior ladies will be more than happy to do a little 'reconnaissance work' on your behalf, with the added bonus of you not having to listen directly to disturbing shouts of "I said NOT to lick the chair!" in the background.

Yes, with just a little leg-work and the powers of your keen observation skills, you too can deduce if there is a snow day going on near you or your loved ones.

Or you could look outside, watch the news and check the web like everyone else. This isn't rocket science, people!